Month: January 2015

1. The Lie

This blog has ten posts which are the beginning of my story.  The remainder of the story is now on Kindle, cost of £4.00. So if you enjoy these first chapters, please do purchase the rest here.  Thank you.  

Three days ago, I found out my husband Tom has been having an affair, for maybe as long as two years, with our au pair. Not a fling, two years in a relationship, unbeknownst to me. During the two years, I’ve had two children and been living blissfully unaware, thinking that life was good. Is good. Busy and stressful, but pretty damn good.

First of all, how did I find out? Well, I felt something was wrong for awhile. The au pair moved out of our house a long time ago. I fired her after only five weeks because I could see something wasn’t right with the way she behaved around my husband and the way he behaved around her.

But I never thought he would do this something like this. Never in a million years. Because he was married before me for ten years and his wife had an affair which really hurt him.  When we were dating he spoke about how painful her betrayal was. How devastated he felt. How much it hurt him. So I always thought, I guess naively, that if someone has been hurt because of an affair, they would never do it to someone else.

How wrong I am.

I found out because Tom has been very unhappy and grumpy for weeks. I’ve tried to talk about it. He has refused to speak about what’s wrong only saying ‘things will be okay’ and then looking away from me. He said recently ‘don’t give up on me, things will be okay.’

My thoughts of course eventually came around to something is wrong and my husband is hiding it. Financial ruin? Serious health problem? Another woman? Surely not another woman. But I knew that I needed to find out. Things were so bad he’d said to me ‘don’t give up on me.’ and ‘things will be okay.’ What things? Our life together?

I looked on Tom’s laptop when he was out and it was locked. I put in the password, always our daughters name and it was incorrect. Did I type it wrong? I tried a few more times, again password incorrect and in that moment I knew he was hiding something. We’ve never used other passwords or changed them before. He is hiding something from ME. His wife. He is hiding something on his laptop.

A few days went by and I was waiting for the opportunity when the laptop was on and logged in and Tom stepped away. On Monday morning he was working at home and said he was going to pop over to the high street to go to the bank. As soon as I heard the front door close, I nipped over to the desk and looked on the open laptop and clicked straight into his email.

The email opened and there was Tom’s inbox and the first thing I saw on the list of messages made my heart skip a beat. Her name. There was her name! So our former au pair had sent him an email message. And that was enough to make my blood boil. It shouldn’t have, but it did. Because two years earlier when I fired her, my husband promised me, ABSOLUTLY promised me, he would not have any contact with her ever again.

Tom knew I suspected something was going on and I was unhappy enough to fire our au pair which I had never done before. We had employed au pairs in the past and they were always lovely and always a nice part of our family, helping because we have three children close in age. But this au pair, Caterina, she wasn’t lovely. She was the only person I’d ever had to ask to leave.

Her name was there, clear as day in his inbox. I clicked on the message.

Shall we chat tomorrow or Wednesday?
Ciao, Caterina xx’

OMG, they have talked. She lives in Italy. How do they talk? How long have they been talking? My heart was racing and my hands were shaking. Maybe it’s friendship, maybe it’s more, but Tom is definately lying to me. Lying to the person he says he loves and who he is married to. Devastation.

She has put xx’s. Does that mean real kissing, or people do that all the time, so it is probably just friendly. Or something more? I didn’t know what it meant, but I had to find out.

I closed the email and went to the sitting room. Sat down feeling queasy. Shaking I knew that I had to speak to Tom about this right now and waited to hear the front door open. It did. It was just a normal Monday morning but not at all normal for me because I suddenly knew my husband had lied.

Tom didn’t see me in the kitchen and called out.

‘Hey Lil, where are you?’

‘In here,’ was my reply. In here dying inside, I thought.

He came in smiling.

‘Tom, I’ve got to ask you something important,’ I said with a serious voice.

‘Sure’ he answered casually, starting to tell me about a friend he ran into on the high street but I wasn’t listening. My mind was racing. I suddenly spoke, trying to remain calm.

‘Tom, if I asked you something important, something really massively important to me, no matter WHAT, you would tell me the truth, right?’

I went on with no plan in my mind.

‘I mean, you would tell me the truth, even if telling me the truth meant something bad, even if it was really bad.’

‘What? What are you talking about Lilly?’

‘Tom, no matter what, you must tell me the truth, and I have a question for you, and here it is. Have you been in touch at all with Caterina since I fired her, in any way, shape or form? Have you seen her? Emailed her? Wrote to her? Spoke to her? Anything at all, since she moved out two years ago?’

‘What?!? Oh God, not this again about Caterina! WHY are you asking me this Lilly? Why? What’s going on?’ he said annoyed.

‘Well, why do you THINK I’m asking? Seriously Tom, why do you think I am asking you this question on a Monday morning, no different from any other Monday in our lives?’

‘I don’t know why, because you just had a baby and are going insane? Because when it comes to our aupair Caterina, you are crazy with jealously about NOTHING and you fired a really lovely person who was a big help to us. And who you treated really unfairly. I don’t know why. You tell me why you are asking this!’

‘Well Tom, listen VERY CAREFULLY to me right now, because I am NOT going to be giving you a lot of chances. I want you to tell me the truth and the point is not WHY I’m asking you this, it’s your ANSWER. I am asking you this question because I want to know the answer, right now. You promised me two years ago you wouldn’t have any contact with her, so I now want you to tell me you haven’t. Or have you been in touch with Caterina? Have you been in touch with her these last two years?’

He stood up and walked over to look out the window and when he turned around I could see panic in his eyes. Has he figured out I know the answer already, I wondered.

‘Well you are a NIGHTMARE Lilly, you really are! I have a lot of work to do. I don’t need this!’

Tom took a step towards the door, he was going to leave but I wasn’t going to let him. I went over and stood in front of him, looking him straight in the eye.

‘Tom, what’s your answer? I want your answer. You are not going to work until you tell me. Have you seen or spoken to Caterina??’

It seemed a long time until he answered, he was silent. He was staring at me, saying nothing for what felt a long time. He opened his mouth and answered.

‘No, of course not! Of course I haven’t. I have NOT spoken to her, or seen her, or had any contact with her.’

It is a terrible moment when you realise, your husband is a liar.


2. So Much for Promises

‘So that’s your answer?’ I asked incredulous. ‘You are actually saying no. You are saying that you have not had any contact with Caterina since the day she moved out of this house?’

‘I haven’t contacted her or spoken to her,’ Tom said. ‘Why would I? I mean come on Lilly, you were awful to her – you fired her for no reason. I was embarrassed and I haven’t spoken to her since I gave her a glowing reference. Which I thought was the least I could do after the way you treated her.’

I wasn’t listening I was stunned at the lie. Well, now lies – with an ‘s’ because he’d now lied twice. And I’d heard before, many times, about how unfair I had treated our former au pair.

‘Tom, listen I am trying to stay calm here, you are really saying that you have not spoken to her?’

‘I haven’t’ he said.

Third lie.

‘Right Tom, you know what, when you want to tell me the truth, come find me,’ I started to walk out of the room.

He was right behind me ‘Lilly what’s your problem?!?’ He said in a visibly annoyed and fed up voice.

I swung around angrily, ‘do you think there is a chance that I KNOW that you have been in touch with Caterina, say, perhaps by email? Because maybe, just maybe, I would never be asking you at 9:30am on a busy Monday morning, if I didn’t ALREADY KNOW the truth? Has THAT crossed your mind?’

‘Well Lilly, like I said, I have no idea why you are doing this, you’ve just had a baby, you are crazy and I guess hormonal.’

This is a moment when I want to slap him. Why does my husband say these things? I’m crazy because I’ve had a baby. He is lying but hey, it’s my fault, because I’ve given birth.

‘Alright Tom, you know what, I’m bored now. This is so boring. You lying and I know you are. You promised me two years ago you would not have anything to do with this girl. You promised. And now you have. And NOW you’re lying about it, so I’m bored and angry and’…. suddenly he interrupted me and shouted.

‘WHY?? WHY do you think this? WHY do you think I’ve been in touch with her??’

I shouted back. ‘This is not about why I think this Tom!! This is about telling me the truth about what is going on with this girl!’

He was staring at me angrily. I was staring at him. Glaring at each other in silence. Then I noticed a little sweat bead on his forehead. He was nervous. And I just knew something was really wrong. Of course in my wildest dreams I didn’t think affair, no way. I just thought he’d been her friend, but I was angry enough about that.

‘You know what Tom, you go to work. I’m going to make a coffee. Don’t speak to me again until it’s the truth coming out of your mouth,’ and I walked away into the kitchen to stew in my anger. Tom grabbed his laptop loudly from the desk in our kitchen and stomped out to his office, slamming the door.

Our home has a big office for my husband to work. It’s a separate building but connected through an internal door. He has his own business and works at home when he isn’t travelling. Sometimes he has people work for him when he has big projects, so others are in his office which has a few desks.

When Caterina came to be our au pair two years earlier, she spent a lot of time in his office and this was one of the bones of contention from the start. Tom decided to hire her to work with him in his office, in addition to being our au pair and working the required few hours a day helping with childcare. So when Caterina finished helping with my daughter for an hour in the morning, she would go straight into his office and spend all day until she was back at 5pm helping with bath and bedtime.

I would pop into my husband’s office when he was there, often a few times a day and Tom and the au pair would be giggling, heads together looking at a computer. Other times I’d hear animated talking as I’d walked through the door but the moment I arrived it would stop. And there would be uncomfortable silence, until I would leave again, with the animated cheerful talking starting only once I’d left the room.

Tom would say to me ‘Caterina is amazing and the clients love her’ or ‘I don’t know what I did before Caterina was helping me every day.’ Not surprisingly, I found it all a bit uncomfortable and I told him so. Many times. This young girl arrived from Italy, not speaking the best English, to help in the house a couple of hours a day with childcare and learn the language, and suddenly in the space of a week, she is amazing and indispensible to my husband. Spending 7 hours a day with him. It was a relief when I fired her and she left two years earlier. I had not thought of her since…until this Monday.

I was in turmoil and walked in circles worrying and fretting for the rest of the morning. I knew my husband had a 3pm flight to Amsterdam and he would be leaving at lunchtime for the airport. He was going away for three nights. Back Thursday midday. I knew he could not leave for that trip without me knowing the truth. I couldn’t spend three days in this agony.

Tom came in from his office and I heard him go upstairs, walking around our bedroom, wardrobe doors closing, I knew he must be packing. I decided what to do and I suddenly bolted up the stairs filled with adrenalin.

‘If you leave for Amsterdam without telling me the truth, then you don’t have to bother coming back!’ I said with anger and turned on my heel quickly before he could reply, disappearing down the stairs.

I then sat in the kitchen waiting, as the clock was ticking to 1pm. Tom stayed upstairs, I assumed he was deciding what he should do next. The doorbell rang and it startled me, I went to the front door and looked out at the taxi in front of our house. Tom was coming down the stairs with his bag.

‘Lilly, listen, okay – I’ll tell you the truth. Hold on.’ He dashed outside calling through the window of the taxi that he would be ten minutes.

We stood in the foyer of our house, the one we had lovingly picked out two years earlier, or so I thought. He started hesitantly.

‘I was really upset with the way you treated Caterina. I could not understand how your wild imagination could think that anything at all was happening between me and our au pair. I mean, I felt, well, like a loyalty to her. Because she came here to be an au pair for us and was really young and away from home. And after a few weeks was thrown out for no reason. So yes, I have been in touch with her. It was a keep-in-touch out of kindness thing, me giving her career advice and being friendly and helpful. That sort of thing.’

‘and…’ I asked.


‘Alright Tom, you’ve told me, okay. So you have been in touch with her. I’m not happy about it. So how have you been in touch? By letter, email, phone?’

‘By email, only email,’ Tom said.

‘So only by email then, you haven’t spoken to her?’ I asked.

‘No, I haven’t spoken to her,’ he answered, looking at me quite solemnly.

Lie. Lie. Lie.

The email I saw had said – shall we SPEAK. I was distraught. Because I remembered something I had heard lots of times and read lots of times…If someone lies about one thing, they will lie about other things. What else is Tom lying about?

‘So that’s it then?’ I asked.

‘Yes, that’s it,’ said my lying husband.

Running out of time and feeling drained, I said, ‘okay, well I have a request before you go and I need you to promise me.’

‘Anything,’ said Tom, ‘you know darling, anything at all and I am really sorry.’

‘I don’t want to hear sorry,’ I said, ‘what I want to hear is you promise me. I want you to say to me that if you love me, if you love me, that from this moment on, you promise that you will not have any contact with Caterina again. No matter what has happened in the past, these last two years, from now, you will never be in contact with her again. Do you promise?’

‘Well of course I promise my love.’ And he hugged me long. ‘I’m sorry darling, I’ve been a prize idiot, I’m sorry. I love you and I’ve got to go. I’ll call you after I land. I’m sorry, really. Love you, bye darling,’ and my husband walked out the door into the taxi.

I watched as the taxi left and went down the road around the corner. And I burst into tears. I love Tom so much. How can he just do this and be friends with this girl behind my back?

Meanwhile, in the taxi, less than ten minutes after my husband left our home with that genuine promise, he phoned and spoke with Caterina and invited her for a weekend away.

3. The Truth

From: Lilly
Sent: Monday, 16:12
To:  Tom
Subject:   The truth
Dear Tom,

I am writing this email so you get it when you land in Amsterdam and you have a few days to think about it and decide some things.

I don’t know what has gone on with Caterina or what is currently going on with this girl or why you feel the need to lie about it, but I can assure you, I am going to find out. You can tell me the truth and do the right thing for our future, or you can wait until I find out the truth another way.

I know it has been more than emails.

When you return from Amsterdam, you are not going to live with me. I want a separation and I want it from today. I love you but I can’t live with you until I know you will never lie to me again. I can move out or you can move out. It doesn’t matter to me.


From:  Tom
Sent:  Monday, 17:01
To: Lilly
Subject: Re: The truth

My darling Lilly,

I have been calling you for an hour and am desperate to talk to you, please pick up your phone! I am so upset and can’t believe this. I am NOT going to agree to a separation. I’m flying back tomorrow so we can sort this out. I’ll let you know what flight I’m on.


All my love,